I’ve been thinking recently about diet as punishment. Refusing food as a way to punish yourself for eating “bad food”, or just for being fat. Letting yourself go hungry with a sort of “yeah, serves you right” attitude attached, and feeling virtuous because you’re suffering.
Indulgence
After a short holiday staying at a Bed and Breakfast, where the standard for “breakfast” was about the size of “lunch and a half” anywhere else, I was feeling a little overindulged. I’d not just been eating a lot, I’d been sleeping late, not doing any yoga, spending all day just lounging around, you know, being on holiday.
Coming back I felt a need to sharpen up. Up early every day, no excuses. Yoga every day. Work on your freelancing business. Tidy the house. Do all that stuff you’re supposed to do!
I started thinking about having a fast, too. Like a juice-fast, maybe. Just a day or two, nothing drastic.
I’m not really sure where this came from, it just seemed like a good idea. A virtuous thing to do. A way to balance out the holiday of giant meals.
Turns out I actually lost weight over the holiday of giant meals.
Go figure. I don’t understand that, but I’m happy for it. And learning that kind of took the wind out of my hey-let’s-have-a-fast sails. It didn’t seem so necessary any more. And that got me thinking about why I wanted to do it in the first place, because I wasn’t fasting to lose weight. That doesn’t work, and I know that. So what’s going on?
Making up for lost pain?
Could it be that I was planning a juice fast for myself as punishment, to make up for my days spent in a lazy, scrumptious food-filled haze? Maybe.
Maybe some part of me thinks I don’t deserve to relax for a few days, and wants to make up for lost time with self-imposed suffering.
Yes, that would be completely barmy, but I’ve done some rudimentary psych. I know better than to expect myself to be rational. And this explanation does seem to fit the facts. So for now, I’ll continue to eat as I have been doing. And maybe I should think about this in a broader way some time.
Are my rules still serving me? Or have I begun to serve the rules?
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Maybe you need some chats with your food monsters?
Yes, that seems to be where this is going. Funny, I don’t even know what my food monsters look like.